The · Best, · And · The · Worst · Idea · Ever

This is fucked up...

I used to lie to Amy (when we went out) and I'd tell her I'd dream about her as much as she dreamt about me. Yeah, I mean, sometimes, I'd get a dream with her in it, but not all the time like she dreamt about me...

But now that time has passed, I thought I was way over her, but for the past few days, ALLS I've been dreaming about is her. . . I mean, if I had the choice to stop I would, because I wake up knowing its all a dream, and I swear, its the worst feeling when you know the life you want to live isn't the real one.

But you know, this all started when I saw Jono and Amy walking from Coldstone into Target together, I think that might've been the start of it all.

Then last night, I don't know if it was, BUT I SWEAR I saw Jono and Amy inside Starbucks together when I was sitting in there waiting for a coffee.

So I think the reason is, stupid little Josh always wants what he can't have. And I'm just NOW having withdrawals now that Amy's w/ Jono.

I just want to stop the dreams, Heh, this is the same thing that happened with Jasiel, when we broke up, for a week I didn't care, then I started dreaming about her and I went crazy... These dreams really get to me.

Last night I dreamt we were in a movie shooting the love scene, the night before she was saving me from falling off a cliff.

Goddamnit</3

I need a vacation. . .

From this vacation

grr.

I had an awesome day.

And I got the scars to prove it.

:\

SCHOOL"S OVER FOR ME MOTHAFUCKAS!!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGWTF

Wow, I can't believe I survived, because for a sec, it looked like I seriously wasn't going to.

Now I got this trip to the Bahamas, then I'm back to party it up with mi hombres (Which pretty much is just Elliot)

But maybe we can chill too yeah?

5545674

I don't care, just don't call from a private number, I don't accept calls from private numbers....

take care, and blessed be.
-aydn

now everything is better.

some people actually noticed me today. :D yeya!

I got a couple cd's from my friend crystal [[iloveyou]] and I had to pay her 12 bucks for em all.

so I'm listening to some Matisyahu right now... good stoner music, and its christian [[duh, the guy that sings is fuckin amish]]

other than that, today was pretty crappy, but hey, its way better than yesterday. . . heh.

i got my yearbook too, i hope i get some pretty good shit written in it, they're like myspace comments but more heartfelt, heh.

heh.

6/6/06

omg, we're all gonna die.

lol, its a fun thing to believe, the whole idea that you know your days are numbered, I see a lot of possibilities for action...

I saw the Omen yesterday. I laughed my ass off, needless to say, I was stoned.

other than that, nothing much has really been happening, I'm just way too glad of the thought that I'll be out of school in a couple of days, the thought that I'll never see some of these people again, in some cases i'm happy as fuck i'll never see their faces again. but i'll miss ashlee and aletta, oh can't forget danielle and juliana. mitch is graduating too, but I'll see him again no doubt.

but I still cringe everytime amy walks by. >_

Stupid fly landed in my Dew, ugh, I'm not drinking that anymore.

I wanna feel like I'm at home. . . I don't even feel that way at my house anymore.

People used to wave and say hi all the time, but they don't do that anymore.

I used to have a drive and ambition that would intimidate my friends, but not anymore.

I was drunk this morning, but I ran out of tequila, so not anymore.

My heart used to ache for Amy, but not anymore. (thank god)

I used to get all mad because people ignore me, but I don't care anymore.

I just don't care anymore.

Yeah, reactions happen, I'm still conscious, but not emotional anymore.

Not anymore.

I'm not mad, I swear.

I'm just tired of not feeling included... yeah whatever, i might just be bitching, but I can sit in a room, have everyone know i'm there, and have none of my friends even come up and say hi to me.

I mean cmon, when I come over and wanna talk, lets fucking talk! Don't make me feel all retarded and shit for even coming over to say hi. And I don't take all this time to say that we're buddies just for you to see me sit in a corner in class all the damn time.

Urgh, and I want to hang out, so lets hang out! Friends hang out right? I mean what, am I this annoying to where even my friends don't wanna hang out with me on the weekends? I try and I try and I try to hang out with ppl, but they always are like "ohh, i'm hanging out with (insert name here), so yeah, no we can't hang out". over and over again, its been getting old for a really long time.

That's alls I ever wanted was some fucking attention, but what does this even matter, its not like anyone reads my lj anyways. and its not like if I bitch people will hang out with me. Just one big paradox.

I guess I'm just not cool enough. :D

It feels like I'm always on the sidelines of life, while I watch everyone else make all the touchdowns.

The world is just one big soda machine that eats all my change.

I should be smart and stop putting quarters in, but I want that soda too goddamn much.

:/

Here's more of my nonsense verse, be warned, its message is obvious (I practically explain it in my writing) but always look for a deeper meaning. And this is unabridged straight from my head, so don't judge by its structure, our minds have none.

Chalkboards to Oblivion

[[The stars delete and gather in the nothingness I've created. They gather in the sepulcher of my own design, as I am broken down and wasted away as a stick of chalk on a blackboard. Scraped and crushed down, just to tell a tale.]]

[[But as the board rubs the chalk away, the chalk scratches into the board. It cuts, scrapes, and tears the message into your skin. And after so long, your body will permanently hold the message which my body sacrificed itself to write.]]

[[As the dust gathers, just know it is my essence, layering all and filling every notch and crack so as to make the surface flush and perfect. As long as what's left of me is not scraped away, I will suffer my ability and strength for your completion. I'll be the chalk and you'll be the board.]]

[[Yet as both our bodies are destroyed, the dust will gather, and find we'll find company in our own destruction.]]

When I die, I wish to be the dark hazy mist, so that I could lurk into your path. To think that my very existence hampers your movements and makes you blind. I watch to see you fall, I want to watch you bleed, I want to see your bones break. Only then, after pain and misery have swallowed you whole will my being fade, and you'd find you were only steps away from what you were trying so hard to find. Your frustration and contempt for me will only blind you more from the sun that pitifully shines upon you, casting you in an unfelt warmth.

Its a work in progress, considering I only wrote it earlier this week.

Much love.

Quick update: I'm through it. I'm finally over her.

Don't all applaud me at once...

Hello?

You know there must be something wrong with me if I'm using LJ. . . plus I'm here at school so I can't really blog on myspace. I just really need to get this out before I burst.

I'm just really mad, really depressed, I feel really cast aside, unwanted, not forgotten, but not remembered.

Inhale.

Can you believe Amy Millan's going out with Jon-o? Gah! He's the one-upper, pretty much anything I ever did for her he can do way better. Man, you know, they were made for each other, but I LOVED her! doesn't that count anymore these days? I mean shit, I really told myself I wasn't going to be some weakling about this issue anymore, but cmon, I never saw this coming. >=o I just wanna yell right now so loud, but I'm in class, so that really can't happen. Thank God school's ending in a couple weeks. Then I can throw all this messed up situation behind me. She'll go to college (he'll follow) and they'll be gone from my life.

Exhale.

Oh you big lost world you big lost world you big lost stupid world so lost and completely ballistic always raining raining raining down raining down like everything's falling falling falling like everythings always falling away falling away and above and outside raining down raining down all that poison how dare you bring them with all their heat and fire and their groaning and if you had a leg I'd kick it I'd kick that leg I'd kick that leg I'd kick you right in the shins cause there ain't no reason for this there ain't no reason for this there ain't no fucking reason cause it don't make no sense it don't make no sense and I could throw a rock at you I could throw two rocks at you and me and my friends could throw a gazillion billion rocks at you cause there ain't no sense no more there ain't no sense no more there ain't no sense in my hands or my legs or my body and the blood in my body and the blood in my hands and the blood in my legs don't make no sense flowing out of me flowing out of me flowing out of me like the Red River all dead and spoiled and full of of salt and death and maybe death turns into life and God's always taking things away always taking things away he's always taking things cause that's all that God does and God will just take and take and take everything and it's like God is clinching everything all the time and God is everything that he does and God is everything that is done and God is everything that don't get done and God is the world and God is the Red River full of salt and death and God is a big fucking ballistic theif with his long slow hand and if God had a shin I'd kick I would kick it I would kick it I would kick it so hard he would double over and grab it with his big holy Godhand he would triple over and clutch his shinbone and some wild wind from the Red River would come flowing out of his mouth and the wind would have a color and the color would be so fucking ugly that it wouldn't have a name and that wind would blow up through the world and make the walls cry in every house and that crying would be like a thousand kittens getting drowned in the Red River cause my kick would break his bone would break his bone would make his bone pop like a gun like gun cracking and if I had a gun I'd shoot God right in the shins I'd shoot him right in the shins I'd point it at his shins and pull the trigger and make that bone crack and maybe someone else would become God maybe someone else would become God maybe someone else would become God maybe someone else would grow a beard and get some miracle skills and take over the world like maybe someone who ain't evil like someone who ain't greedy like someone who wouldn't take everything away like someone who doesn't promise all the little kids the world and then takes it away from them he takes it away someone that doesn't take the whole fucking world away maybe someone. . .

Why does she put me through this? This flood of responsiblity for her dream-world. alls I ever did was hold that up, and now that its crashing down she's blaming the only martyr. I couldn't hold it up, I couldn't hold the levy from overflowing. and all the blame's on me. "if you'd love her you'd stay with her" Stay with her? You don't know the torture i'd be inducing on both of us. alls I hope is that someone can be there for me in this heartbreak. and if she calls it a rebound, then she still doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. . .

fatally yours,

joshXvolta